In my booklets, Who Am I Now? The Ever-changing Role of the Caregiver, I discuss how a caregiver's identity changes as a loved one's care needs change. Recently, I have had time to think about the role of a caregiver changing after losing a loved one, a beloved pet, or a close friend.
When there is a loss in the caregiver role, there is an additional loss of identity. As a caregiver, there is a routine or ritual to a day. Caregivers develop tools and systems to meet the care needs of those they love, and when the person or pet dies, there is another change in the caregiver's role. Who am I now after this loss? How do I grieve and also occupy the time on my hands now that I am not the day-to-day caregiver?
I have worked with clients who voice feeling they are "losing their minds" or "I am acting crazy" as they go grocery shopping and buy food items their loved ones would enjoy or buy a dog toy for a pet who has passed away. Years ago, the wife of a dialysis patient was buying steak as it was something her husband loved and she hated. She stopped by the dialysis clinic as she thought there was something wrong with her for doing this. There wasn't. She had developed a routine of buying items for her husband, and the routine of doing so was a comfort for her after his death.
Here are some tips after a loss:
Honor your grief, and do not restrict yourself to any timelines for your grief.
Make medical appointments for yourself. Are you overdue for a physical? Dental visit or a specialist consult?
Make self-care appointments—schedule a haircut, a massage, a phone call with a friend you have not talked to, or buy yourself a tea at a local place you want to try.
Consider taking a trip or inviting a friend over for a visit.
Take care of tasks when you are ready. The closet or your loved ones' belongings do not need to be cleaned out immediately. If you have lost a pet, you can either keep their items where they are a reminder and source of comfort to you, or you can put the items away until you are ready to go through them.
Create a list of tasks to occupy your time - this can be a list of the schedule you kept in your role as a caregiver, or you can create a new schedule until it becomes a routine.
In time, you will create a new routine, rituals, and identity for the life ahead of you.
My Publications:
https://www.amazon.com/Who-Ever-changing-Role-Caregiver-professionals/dp/B0DHXMDYNQ - A booklet for healthcare professionals & social workers utilizes professional and personal stories related to caregivers. The book is intended to help professionals in healthcare and social work assist caregivers and their families.
https://www.amazon.com/Who-Now-Ever-changing-Role-Caregiver-ebook/dp/B0DHV243JJ?ref_=ast_author_dp A booklet for caregivers, family, and friends.
Resources:
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